Depression, Life, Random Thoughts, Weekend

Weekend 45: Currently

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thinking that it bums me out it’s been a week since I last posted.

feeling full from the the pigs in the blanket my mom made for dinner. They were so good!

looking forward to only having to work a four day week

wondering why I’ve had so many (mild) headaches lately. I never get headaches.

loving how blonde my hair is and excited to see what we can do with the blonde at my next appointment.

wondering if I should go dark once I’m over the blonde… hehe

wanting my hair to be long again and to be healthy. so long are the days of straightening over and over and over and ahhhhh

wishing my sister a happy 26th birthday this Wednesday.

excited to go out Saturday and celebrate with her and friends

wearing everything and anything that will keep me warm. I don’t know when this started, but being cold is almost painful.

feeling really tired lately.

realizing my depression might be more seasonal than we thought or realized.

wanting to start reading all of the books I have that are unread.

deciding on goals for the new year. Did I mention that last Sunday? It’s on my mind a lot lately.

working on myself always.

appreciating my parents and my siblings. they’re the four most important people in my life.

Hi, friends. I haven’t posted in a week. I’ve been dealing with a little bit of brain fog when it comes to writing. I think about it constantly, but when I go to put words to paper it’s all a mess. The last few weeks I’ve noticed I’ve had more down days than I’ve had in a long time. I think it could have a lot to do with the season changing, the shorter days, the lack of sunshine, the cold, the weather. It’s something my doctor and I are keeping an eye on, but it’s also something I recognize. Something I’m aware of and something I take note of. Last year at this time I started slipping into my darkest months, but I wasn’t educated then. I wasn’t aware of the signs and how to reroute my mind and my thoughts. I have the tools now to take control, but it doesn’t mean I don’t have hard days. Right now it’s just wearing me down. I think about this space every day and already have plans for my second reoccurring weekly post. This one will go up Thursday of every week and I’m exited for it. It’s something I’ll have to work on thought the week. Looking forward to sharing it with you this Thursday. I hope you all have a motivating Monday. xoxo

 

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friends, Life, Random Thoughts, Weekend

Weekend 43 : Currently

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Before I started this blog I knew I wanted to have some reoccurring posts planned for every week. Reoccurring posts like this are some of my favorites to read on other blogs. They also help keep a schedule and are time savers. I remembered Elise Blaha Cripe used to do a monthly “currently” post. It was one of my favorite reoccurring posts she wrote (I miss her blog so much ughhh). I decided I would do something like this every Sunday to wrap up my weekend instead of writing a long winded post. Tracy over at Shutterbean wraps up her weeks with a Every Day Life post with lots of photos from her week. I decided to take a little of both of their ideas and make my own post for Sundays. I hope you enjoy my Sunday posts as much as I enjoyed reading Elise’s and now enjoy Tracy’s posts.

realizing I need to start wearing my winter pj pants to bed. The nights have gotten significantly colder and we don’t have the heat on yet. brrr!

enjoying my favorite chocolate chip cookie recipe my mom baked this afternoon and not feeling an ounce of guilt about it. Balance, baby!

watching The Harvest Wedding on the Hallmark Channel. Sometimes I’m a sucker for a good chick flick you guys, but this leading man… really?

looking forward to next Saturday’s plans with Nikki.

listening to all the music right now and paying close attention to the lyrics that are hitting close to home.

feeling jealous of how close to the Montour Trail Maddy is, but happy we got a six mile walk in on Saturday. Walking and talking with friends might be my favorite.

hunting for the perfect motorcycle jacket with gold zippers, the right length and fit. this might be the hardest hunt… ever.

deciding to have a better week mentally than I did last week.

crossing my fingers that the rain doesn’t start until after I get to work and then stops long enough for me to walk back to my car tomorrow. I really hate taking the T you guys.

planning my next two months worth of weekends full of friends and fun outings.

wishing you a great week!

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Depression, friends, Random Thoughts

Self Critical

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We all have an inner critic. Some of us have a stronger one than others. Some of us just barely have one, but either way it’s there. I can tell you that mine is rock hard strong and comes out at every chance it gets. Sometimes it’ll knock the wind right out of me. It can come out over the strangest things. Things nobody would think twice about. Things I shouldn’t think twice about. Things that aren’t even real. Things I try to push aside, but can’t because I don’t have a handle on it. One of my biggest fears and something that really bothers me is feeling or looking stupid. When I say stupid I mean actually stupid, embarrassed, foolish, vulnerable, etc. Sure, these are things none of us like to feel, but I work my life around not feeling them.

 
There are times when I’m walking down the street and I’ll play out in my head tripping over something on the sidewalk and how embarrassed I would feel if that happened. I’ll figure out how I would recover from that embarrassment and what my next step would be. I’ll replay it and replay it until I’m done walking or someone or something distracts my mind. Sometimes I’ll play out a situation that could happen with me in a room full of people or at the office that would be mortifying and I’ll sit and hope and pray it doesn’t happen and worry that it will because I thought about it. This probably isn’t normal and feeling this embarrassment and shame over something that’s not even real is embarrassing (there’s that word again) to admit. In fact, it’s not something I’ve ever admitted or even talking about.

 
I talked in my depression posts about how I don’t like to not know what I’m doing or to have to ask questions. This goes back to that. I recently started a new job and the first few months of a new job can be hard for me. I want to be perfect right away. I struggle with wanting to be the best at everything I’m doing immediately. When I’m not perfect or I make mistakes my inner critic comes out in full force. When I make mistakes, I can’t help but feel as if everyone around me is thinking or talking about how dumb I am. I replay a mistake over and over in my head and wonder how I could have avoided making that mistake and how to never do it again. When my coworkers talk about people in other offices being dumb I get nervous. I hate hearing them say things like that because I associate myself with these dumb people.

 
I guess I’m different in the way that I criticize myself. Sure, I criticize my body and there are things I don’t like, but I criticize my mind and my abilities more than anything. I struggle with feeling smart enough or educated enough or capable of doing things. I’m always doubting myself. I worry about everything and if it’ll make me look foolish. I was brought up to not care about what people think and for the most part I don’t. However, when I criticize myself so severally it doesn’t matter what other people think or don’t think because I’m already thinking it myself.

 
This is something I realize I need to work on and probably should bring up in therapy. This is a reason I spend every night in the gym. A few weeks ago, I sent an invoice to the wrong client and they emailed our AR email back saying it wasn’t their invoice. I was so embarrassed because the whole team saw my mix up. I was even more humiliated when my boss emailed me to say I needed to pay close attention. Sure, it was JUST AN EMAIL, but it ruined my entire day and left me feeling shame to the highest degree. Shame over an EMAIL that my coworkers probably didn’t even notice because we get hundreds of emails. The shame followed me home and stuck with me for hours and it wasn’t until I started my work out that I was able to clear it form my mind.

 
I need to cut myself some slack. I need to remind myself that people make mistakes. We all have bad days. Things happen and we move on from them. It’s not possible to go into every new situation and know exactly what to do or how to perform. You won’t be perfect at anything and you don’t need to be. You might fall on your face in front of a block of people, but who cares? You don’t know them. Get up, brush yourself off and keep walking. Now, if I could just get this message through to my inner critic that would be great.

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Random Thoughts

Introduction to the Blog

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They say when you start a blog your first post should be an introductory post and it should outline what you plan on writing about and your goals. Every time I started to write a post like that it sounded dumb and pointless. So, I decided to put this post off until after a few entries. I’ve gone back and forth over starting a blog for close to 10 years, but I never had a direction I wanted to take it. Recently I’ve felt like I needed to share my story. I needed to share the things I’ve been through and the journey I’ve been on. I’ve noticed that the more open I’ve become with people the more they open up to me. It made me realize that we all go through similar things. We all have similar struggles. If I’m open and willing to share mine maybe it’ll help one person see that they aren’t alone. Maybe it’ll show them that it’s okay to ask for help.

I started this blog off on a rough note, but that’s kind of how I do things. I just dive in. That’s of course after I obsess over every way something will fail and every way I will screw it up (hi! my grammar game is not strong), but THEN and ONLY then will I dive in. I’m someone that does not enjoy small talk and by not enjoy I of course mean loathe. I like deep and meaningful conversations. I like learning about people and hearing about their plans and goals. If you want to talk about the weather you can keep it moving. Tell me your deepest darkest secret or get lost. In all seriousness (just that last part was a joke.. I really do dislike small talk) I plan on keeping you up to date on my depression. Winters are tough and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little nervous for the coming months. I plan on posting my self-doubts and my bad days. I’m going to post them for myself because writing them out makes me realize how silly they can be. I’m also going to post them for you to show that we all have negative thoughts and bad days. I’m going to push myself to share my fears and failures. The goal is to be as open as possible or as open as I’m willing to get.

The blog wont be all doom and gloom. I want to post about my good days too. My time spent with my friends and family, outings and adventures. I want to share about movies and the books I’m reading. I’ll be posting about music because music is literally life. I plan on posting about my weight loss and that incredibly long journey and where I’m at with it currently. I’m going to post about my fitness journey and my goals in that department. I’m going to post about work and my long and short term goals in life. I’m going to post everything and anything I want. If you have questions or recommendations feel free to share them with me. I love the feedback.

Speaking of feedback, the outpouring of support I received on my posts about depression were unexpected and so moving. I received texts from friends saying their boyfriends were reading them. I received messages from people telling me they have gone through similar things or are going through it now. I received support, love and motivation. I truly cannot express how much your comments and love meant to me. I think most of us keep a lot of things locked up and I’m certainly guilty of that, but we all have things we need to talk about. We all have things we need help with. Sharing and opening up to all of you showed me that we are not alone.

So, thanks again and stay tuned. I have a Halsey (eek!) post coming up. It might actually turn into two posts. I’m excited! See you soon.

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