family, friends, Life, Uncategorized, Weightloss

The Facebook Post

“Are you still watching what you eat?” “What did she eat for Thanksgiving?” “You don’t want to gain any of that weight back, huh?”

Those are just some of the comments I get on the regular. Listen to me when I say I eat what I want when I want. I don’t restrict myself, but there are also many things I don’t want to eat and it’s not because they’re unhealthy. I just find myself preferring healthier options and not being as satisfied with a piece of cake. I find myself preferring to eat at home and not at restaurants. I just eat differently now and choose to fuel my body in a better way. Friday I stopped to eat my lunch at 230. My mom said, “You’re eating again? Didn’t you just eat? What was that if it wasn’t lunch?” It had been three hours since I ate and what she was referring to was my first snack. I eat five meals a day (breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner) and trust me if I don’t eat you probably don’t want to be around me. I’ve worked and I continue to work extremely hard. Some days are easier than others and honestly the last 6 months have been the easiest and it’s getting easier. What I’m eating and when I’m eating is constantly observed and talked about. It’s something that makes me uncomfortable, but it’s also something I understand. We all know what we need to do to reach our goals. It’s a matter of putting what we know into our daily routine. It’s about forming habits. You’re either ready to start or you’re not. Either way, it’s okay. That girl in the first photo knew one day she was going to change her life. She honestly knew it. But she knew that day wasn’t THE day. Next time you judge someone by what they’re eating and how much of it (healthy or not) take note and maybe stop and think about why you’re making judgments or making comments. I can guarantee it has nothing to do with that person and everything to do with your own insecurities. I honestly pay zero attention to what the people around me are eating. I don’t care. I care about what I’m fueling my body with and my body alone. Ps. I didn’t mean to mean mug in that picture. 😂 I just finished a hard Thanksgiving Day workout and my face was still half frozen. Haha

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Depression, family, friends, Life, Weekend, Weightloss

My Two-Year 100-Pound Weight Loss Anniversary

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Saturday was my two-year 100-pound weight loss anniversary. Two years ago I stood on the scale and was finally under 200 pounds and I’ve been under ever since. 100 pounds was my long-term goal. I knew after I reached it I would have new goals, but 100 pounds is a huge deal. It’s a goal I reached in ten short months. It’s a goal that takes most people years. It’s a huge accomplishment and I didn’t feel anything. I wasn’t proud. I wasn’t happy. I was numb. I’m going to paint you a picture of a Rachel a lot of you don’t know and some of you know too well.

I used to weigh myself every Saturday morning, but this story is going to start the night before. I went out with a friend to a local bar. We met up with a friend of hers and an acquaintance of mine (who would later become my boss). I remember the bar was busy. We had to share a table with two random middle-aged men. They were very nice and we all made small talk. It wasn’t long into the evening before shots were being bought. Someone bought a round of Jager. I took my shot, but the other girl that was with us wouldn’t drink Jager. So, in typical Rachel fashion, I took hers for her (the last time I had Jager and the last time I’ll ever have it). I didn’t realize that while I was finishing her shot she was buying a round of bourbon for us. In no time I had a few beers in me, two shots of Jager and a shot of bourbon. When I say no time I mean in less than an hour. To say things get hazy after that would be an understatement. I remember a handful of things from the rest of that night.

What I do remember is making a full of myself in front of the guy I liked at the time. In my defense, I’m not sure when the people I was with thought it would be a good idea to show up at the bar he was at (crazy much?). I remember flashes from that trip. There’s a clip of us in my head walking in, there’s a flash of me putting my legs up on the table (apparently I have this thing where I like to be relaxed while blacked out) and him taking them off. I have a flash of us walking out and I have a bit of the conversation on the drive to the third bar. That conversation involved my future boss telling me to forget about that guy because he was going to break my heart. Literally the exact words I remember her saying. She was right. He did. I should have listened.

I have almost no memory of the next bar we ended up at. I don’t even know if I had anything to drink there, but things ended quickly. I was told I had to leave. In short, I was kicked out of that bar. When you can barely stand on your own you should probably just go home.

We had to go back to the bar we started at to close out our tab. I fell out of the vehicle after we parked. Literally just opened the door and fell to the pavement. I should note she didn’t drive a car so it was a decent fall and one I don’t remember. It wasn’t until I stood up the next day and mentioned how sore I was that I was told I had fallen. After that things are pretty black. I vaguely remember being on my friend’s couch puking in a bucket. I might have puked in the bathroom before the bucket. I’m not entirely sure. We were home, tucked in on the couch and I was puking all before midnight. This was a common occurrence that year.

The next morning I woke up before 5 in a panic because my parents were flying out of Pittsburgh very early and I never made it home the night before. My phone was dead. I found my friend’s phone and called my dad. I scared him because he thought something happened. I just needed to tell them I was okay, where I was and say goodbye before they boarded. This was a low moment for me. This was irresponsible. This wasn’t who I was. This felt wrong. This was wrong.

Eventually, the house woke up and I stood on the scale. I told my friend I hit the 100-pound mark. I texted my future roommate. I texted my cousin. I still felt nothing. I didn’t feel celebratory. I didn’t feel accomplished. It was nothing. We went to Eat n Park for breakfast. I had oatmeal. The service was terrible. I went home and got ready for a Christmas party that night. All the while feeling nothing. I drank that night too. Less than the night before, but it still involved drinking Crown Royal from the bottle. I was a mess. I was hurting. I was sad. I was angry. I was alone. I was unhappy. I didn’t know who I was. That night ended with me crying on the bathroom floor to my cousins. The first of many nights to come that month where I would be crying. Where I would be drunk. Where I would be a mess. Where I would feel like I was suffocating.

I achieved something in that day that many people never achieve. None of it mattered to me. Luckily, I can look back on it now and realize what an accomplishment that was. Now I can congratulate myself and celebrate this anniversary. I know who I am now. I know what I accomplished. I love this anniversary and I love taking a moment to be proud of myself. I am no longer that lost, messy girl crying on the bathroom floor. I still have things I’m working on, but you wouldn’t believe how far I am from the girl I was that weekend.

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Depression, Life, Random Thoughts, Weekend

Weekend 45: Currently

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thinking that it bums me out it’s been a week since I last posted.

feeling full from the the pigs in the blanket my mom made for dinner. They were so good!

looking forward to only having to work a four day week

wondering why I’ve had so many (mild) headaches lately. I never get headaches.

loving how blonde my hair is and excited to see what we can do with the blonde at my next appointment.

wondering if I should go dark once I’m over the blonde… hehe

wanting my hair to be long again and to be healthy. so long are the days of straightening over and over and over and ahhhhh

wishing my sister a happy 26th birthday this Wednesday.

excited to go out Saturday and celebrate with her and friends

wearing everything and anything that will keep me warm. I don’t know when this started, but being cold is almost painful.

feeling really tired lately.

realizing my depression might be more seasonal than we thought or realized.

wanting to start reading all of the books I have that are unread.

deciding on goals for the new year. Did I mention that last Sunday? It’s on my mind a lot lately.

working on myself always.

appreciating my parents and my siblings. they’re the four most important people in my life.

Hi, friends. I haven’t posted in a week. I’ve been dealing with a little bit of brain fog when it comes to writing. I think about it constantly, but when I go to put words to paper it’s all a mess. The last few weeks I’ve noticed I’ve had more down days than I’ve had in a long time. I think it could have a lot to do with the season changing, the shorter days, the lack of sunshine, the cold, the weather. It’s something my doctor and I are keeping an eye on, but it’s also something I recognize. Something I’m aware of and something I take note of. Last year at this time I started slipping into my darkest months, but I wasn’t educated then. I wasn’t aware of the signs and how to reroute my mind and my thoughts. I have the tools now to take control, but it doesn’t mean I don’t have hard days. Right now it’s just wearing me down. I think about this space every day and already have plans for my second reoccurring weekly post. This one will go up Thursday of every week and I’m exited for it. It’s something I’ll have to work on thought the week. Looking forward to sharing it with you this Thursday. I hope you all have a motivating Monday. xoxo

 

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family, friends, Life, Weekend

Kuss Wedding Photos

One month ago, exactly I got to witness my friend and cousin marry her best friend. It was such a special day for both and one I’m so happy to have been a part of. She received the link to all her photos and of course I went through every single one of them. I love photos and wedding photos are the best! I can sit and look at total strangers wedding photos online over and over without shame. I grabbed some of the ones I really liked and figured I’d throw them into a post to share.

The below pics are some of my favorites of the girls getting ready.

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I always love seeing the behind the scenes photos of the girls getting ready. This is the first wedding I’ve ever been in and I would have to admit that the photos always look way calmer and more glamorous than what is going on. I just remember rushing around, borrowing makeup, touching up my makeup, putting lipstick on myself and my sister, touching up other bridesmaid’s makeup, trying not to get any makeup on myself or others, spraying all the hair spray and deodorant, putting Kaitlin’s veil on, putting Adeline’s tiara back in, making sure everyone’s bags were packed for when we were ready to leave, fixing my cousins curls, fixing my friends hair, getting dressed, having the photographer walk in when I was basically naked (that’s fun) and trying to stay calm while keeping an eye on the clock. I think we all thought two hours was going to be a lot of time, but we quickly realized it in fact was not. Rushing, rushing, rushing, but I must admit it was fun and exciting. I definitely lean towards the girly side of things when it comes to getting ready. The best part about going out IS getting ready. However, I forgot to put perfume on this day and it’s something I still think about.

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That’s just me running down the aisle. Literally. We had just gone over what speed to walk and then nope I just booked it. However, I like that you can still see my Dad’s smirk. I almost walked TO him and my mom. Let’s just say being in a room full of people that are looking at only me even if it’s for less than a minute is my idea of hell. I’m pretty sure my dad could see that written all over my face.

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Addie peaking around the bridesmaids is the cutest! She did such a good job. The below photo of John is my favorite of him. John just looks happy. I can’t explain why, but this one is the best of him. I love the one of the guys goofing off while we waited for pictures to wrap up at the church. You can dress them up… haha

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This next photo is just a picture of me hugging the crap out of my friend, cousin, coach, etc who I used to see almost every day and no longer do. I miss(ed) her and love this photo of us. And one of my sister looking extra cute.

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I love this one of Kaitlin. You see relief and happiness all over her face.

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Group shots!

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Beautiful women! I love these photos and will cherish them forever.

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I wish I knew what was so funny here and what the hell was causing me to make that face. I love that Kaitlin is still perfectly posed for photos though. Now for the fun ones!

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I look crazy in that photo, but that literally sums up mine and John’s relationship. haha Laughing at all things.

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This photo KILLS me hahahahaha we went from hugging to busting a SERIOUS move.

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Safe to say… we all had a blast. One month down for you two 2343984309284930 more to go.

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friends, Life, Random Thoughts, Weekend

Weekend 43 : Currently

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Before I started this blog I knew I wanted to have some reoccurring posts planned for every week. Reoccurring posts like this are some of my favorites to read on other blogs. They also help keep a schedule and are time savers. I remembered Elise Blaha Cripe used to do a monthly “currently” post. It was one of my favorite reoccurring posts she wrote (I miss her blog so much ughhh). I decided I would do something like this every Sunday to wrap up my weekend instead of writing a long winded post. Tracy over at Shutterbean wraps up her weeks with a Every Day Life post with lots of photos from her week. I decided to take a little of both of their ideas and make my own post for Sundays. I hope you enjoy my Sunday posts as much as I enjoyed reading Elise’s and now enjoy Tracy’s posts.

realizing I need to start wearing my winter pj pants to bed. The nights have gotten significantly colder and we don’t have the heat on yet. brrr!

enjoying my favorite chocolate chip cookie recipe my mom baked this afternoon and not feeling an ounce of guilt about it. Balance, baby!

watching The Harvest Wedding on the Hallmark Channel. Sometimes I’m a sucker for a good chick flick you guys, but this leading man… really?

looking forward to next Saturday’s plans with Nikki.

listening to all the music right now and paying close attention to the lyrics that are hitting close to home.

feeling jealous of how close to the Montour Trail Maddy is, but happy we got a six mile walk in on Saturday. Walking and talking with friends might be my favorite.

hunting for the perfect motorcycle jacket with gold zippers, the right length and fit. this might be the hardest hunt… ever.

deciding to have a better week mentally than I did last week.

crossing my fingers that the rain doesn’t start until after I get to work and then stops long enough for me to walk back to my car tomorrow. I really hate taking the T you guys.

planning my next two months worth of weekends full of friends and fun outings.

wishing you a great week!

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