Depression

Where I’m At Now: Part 4

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Looking back on the last few years is strange, hard and sometimes unbelievable to me. I can’t believe how much I was able to grow mentally when I was taught the right tools, when someone started asking me the right questions. The last few years made me who I am today. I’m still taking my medication, but the plan is to be weaned off it. It might not work. I might be someone that just needs that little extra help. It also could work. It’s something I’m nervous to try and something I’ll write about when I do. I don’t sit down for therapy anymore, but I do have check ins with my psychiatrist. When it came to the Cognitive Behavioral Health therapy there wasn’t anything I needed to work on or needed help with. I out grew my sessions. However, I have thought about sitting down with someone once a month or so just to check in with myself and clear my mind.

I’ve mentioned I do not regret moving into that apartment and I still don’t. However, I now know that the friendship I had with my roommate wasn’t meant to be. That friendship was so strong because my mental state wasn’t. You allow toxic people into your life when you are beaten down. You allow yourself to be treated a certain way when you don’t care enough about yourself. I no longer feel like a failure. If I want to buy a house in a few years, living with my parents is the best option. It allows me to save money and to have my school loans paid off before I start looking at houses. That is far from failing. I also don’t regret that 5 second relationship I was in, because I learned so much about myself. Both of those things ending was really hard and losing people in your life is always hard. As for the relationship I could probably write a book about what I did and didn’t get out of it, but that book is for me and me alone. All I know is that I grew so much in that short period of time. I surprised myself and even if that relationship continued and thrived I would have put that person above everything else. I would have put everything into caring and loving that other person. I needed to love myself before I could have loved anyone else to my full potential. He would have been number one and I need to be number one.

I’m still not listening to music. I only turn on music if it’s carefully selected from my phone and it took me months to get to that point. Music is still a trigger for me. It takes me back to memories and people I no longer have. Things I still don’t want to revisit. Music is really important to me and when I’m in a relationship or a a big moment in my life I take notice of the music around me and I remember. I remember all of it. I’ve left parties because friends have played a song I told them I could not listen to. A single song. I now put what is best for me above everything else. I must put myself first or everything else will suffer. Do you think my friends wanted me to leave that party? They didn’t and I received texts telling me that, but it was what I had to do. I don’t feel bad saying no anymore. I don’t feel bad turning down invitations or doing my own thing. I’m lucky in the fact that I still have those great girlfriends around me and can even say I’ve added a few. My relationship has grown with some and has become distant with others. That is part of life though. That is part of growing.

I no longer spend days in bed. I’m not home long enough to do that and when I am there is stuff that needs done. I don’t cry like I used to. I cried for the first time a few weeks ago and realized I couldn’t remember the last time I had cried. *Spoiler Alert* I have cried since, but that is okay. I try to take a deep breath and calmly explain myself instead of lashing out at my loved ones. I now recognize when my mind starts to wonder down a negative path and I take control. I take notice of situations that will put my mood in jeopardy and I get prepared for them. I take deep breaths, excuse myself for a minute alone and leave early from events when I must. Asking for help will always be hard for me. It’s just who I am. However, I know now that asking questions and needing help is a part of life. Being put in new situations and learning and experiencing new things is a part of life. If I don’t know what I’m doing it’s okay. I don’t need to feel embarrassed or ashamed and if someone makes me feel that way then they’re the one with the problem.

I love myself now and I know I’m worth loving because I’m fucking amazing.

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